2023- 2 years post-pandemic

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum NaNa, 

It's really been a while. Three years flew by so fast that I literally forgot about the existence of this blog. I thought of permanently deleting it but I wasn't really a camera-friendly girl back when I was in school so I don't have much memory kept about my teenage years. So yeah, you're staying! 

Dear NaNa, three years...whew~

A lot had happened in these three years. I graduated, got a job, andddd got engaged to the love of my life. We fight, a lot, but we reconcile shortly after and I realized I do want us to keep fighting and loving each other for a long time. Well, I don't want to keep talking about my fiance, not that I'm shy or anything, I just prefer expressing to him rather than here. I learned that letting the person you love know that you love them is wayyyyy much better than writing it down here. 

NaNa, being a year over quarter of a decade has changed me a lot. My way of thinking, my aims in life and how I perceive the world.  I also realize that I am deep-rooted an INFP, introvert (funny! because people used to praise me for my confidence to be on-stage) and I really appreciate a small circle of friends. I have also realized that my circle is getting smaller and smaller now that I live with my parents and I spend more time with my family. Another fun fact that I learned is that I am very, very, very much emotional judgmental person (>.<) as I get older because I am getting more easily annoyed at things around me. Don't be me!

NaNa, the main reason I come here to talk about my life and what I have been doing is to let out some frustrations I have been feeling over some inconveniences in life. I'm someone who is really simple, doesn't care much and love pleasing others. The thing is, I find that this particular circle of friends I have crumbles as a friend started to change. I guess when we first knew her, she's fun, easy-going and someone I'd love to keep for the rest of my life. Things happened and she changed. She's been struggling with mental health and my other friends and I have been trying our best to be supportive. However, I've been noticing changes in her behaviours, especially with the way she treats us. She says a lot of hurtful things and what I'm disappointed the most is the way she becomes more materialistic. Being materialistic is okay if you keep the goals and values to yourself. The fact that she keeps saying things that downgrade us in subtle ways stabs deep into my heart. I can let go nasty things she said about me but the moment she started to insult my partner, I almost went into a combat mode. Unfortunately, I am an introvert. I could only slap her face in my mind and went blank instead upon hearing what she said. More incidents followed after and I couldn't help but to start distancing myself from her. I want to keep in touch with her without being hurt. I stopped travelling with her. I minimise communication and today, I just took the first step to restrict her account on Instagram. I don't hate her. I just get sad whenever I come across her on any social media. I tried to talk to other friends regarding this but they're too kind and just wanted me to let her be. Maybe because they aren't hurt as much as me. Today, I decided to pour all my frustrations here and try my best to forget. I will continue doing what I have been doing until I get my peace of mind. I hope as time passes by, I will eventually forget everything that has happened. It'll also be great if she goes back to her normal self, the one I knew back in uni instead. 

I wish no harm or unfortunate things for her because she's still a kind friend who has been with me through ups and downs in life. I just think that it's time to focus more on myself rather than letting her hurt me further in life. How I wish I have the courage to bring this matter up to her to discuss but I hate confrontations, that's why. Let's just hope time heals. Sincerely hope it will.

In the meantime, this is going to be the end of my life update for now. I'll come back to update more, of course. Gotta go back to assignments and get that masters' degree. Till then, toodles everyone! 

Love, 

NLS

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2 years later

It's funny when you can't find any other better platform to write, you just come back to the old school memory and boom, you're in your comfort zone. I'm definitely thrown back to the old memories of passionate expressions of feelings in the form of writings, be them essays or poems. In love. Should do this more often.

2 years later. I've gone through hell. Been down there in pits of fire but fortunately enough, survived. 2 years ago when I last wrote my entry, I was an intern.  The entry was written at the office where I was doing my internship. Life started to get really interesting right after that. Like I said, I went through hell. There were however also beautiful memories I made and new people that I met I wouldn't even trade the whole world for.

In the last 2 years, I've been broken and shattered. Lacking support and poorly coping with the heartbreak, I made a lot of wrong decisions. I lost trust in humans. I was dumb and the moment I realized I'd been stupid all this while, this virtual reality that had been playing in front of me glitched and I could see it collapsing. Behind it was the ugliest truth. I struggled to accept that. Yes. It took me more than a year and the right people to finally learn that I made a huge mistake, it was unacceptable but because of love I kept receiving, I was determined to acknowledge and try my best to forget whatever had happened. It was a long process. Acceptance was. But it's worth it.

 I learned that we're ought to not rush our healing just to get moving. It'll be just like suppressing your feelings deep down into a nowhere ocean.

Funny enough, before I learned all those words, my self-esteem was badly wrecked that I was in a deep black hole for a few months. Was even suicidal. I saw no point in living if I had continued being a loser I was. I hated that I was broken. I hated the fact that I let myself be played by someone else. But Allah, the Almighty He is, like He promised, never leaves His subjects alone and I was indeed not alone. He sent me many beautiful souls, He let me know through them that life is so much more than it was back then. 

By the end of 2019, I got my life sorted out bits by bits. It was definitely neither easy nor breezy, it took a lot of patience and time but they're all worth it. What I'm most happy about, I learned to see love, partner, soulmate, future, marriage, and happiness in a whole different light. Could say I've been wiser.

Allah is lending me one of the most beautiful subjects He's created in this world. Imperfectly perfect for me. He's loved, he's calmed, he's assured, he's comforted. He is the cuddliest form of a human being who soothes my pain and eases my anxiety.

My friends around me couldn't be better. So understanding, so undemanding, yet so fun to be with. I guess as friendships mature, we care less about little things and look at the bigger picture. We aim for happiness and that's all we strive for. We meet to be happy, we tell stories to be happy and we're there for one another to be happy.

Life surely works wonder. Pains and difficulties I've gone through were definitely blessings in disguise. There wasn't any silver lining behind my clouds. But there were brighter rays and fluffier clouds and I am content with that for now. Alhamdulillah thank you Allah.

In this blissful Ramadan, I want to remind myself to always be grateful and thank Allah for the little blessings in my life. And in this holy month, I pray that the future holds a brighter world for all of us in shaa Allah.

Till then,
NLS

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